I have spent years doing and filling my days with very productive tasks. I have been the queen of the "to-do" list. Delighting in the satisfaction each check mark would provide. This has served me well in the past. I've accomplished many goals and created a wonderful life for myself. I've exhausted myself and drove myself to the point of deep fatigue many times, often to a point of resentment and blame. People expect too much of me, I would tell myself. I need a break.
The last year ( I would actually credit the original lock-down of the pandemic) has nudged me into an interesting process. What if I took a moment and asked my body and my self what it wants to do in any given moment/day? Especially when asked if I want to agree to do something. I am finding this revolutionary. I ask my body and then really feel into how my body feels when I imagine myself doing this task or taking on this project. Do I feel tired as I feel into it? Do I feel excited? Inspired?
I said "No" to a project today. A project I would have taken on a few years back because I would have felt excited and inspired by it. Last year I probably would have taken it on because I would have felt I SHOULD take it on. After all, many would jump at this chance! Today I asked my body. When I envisioned myself doing the work this opportunity would entail and the process I would be agreeing to, my body felt heavy and tired. No excitement and no inspiration. I declined. As I declined I felt relieved and relaxed.
As I basked in the realization that I had advocated for myself, I was aware of a bit of a backlash. "Why did you turn this down?" "What if you never get another offer?" "Lazy!" "Don't you want to work?" These thoughts/voices in my head and many others presented with force. There was a time when this would have triggered a flood of self doubt, recrimination, and self judgement. Today I listened, watched, and simply held space for it all. This is new territory for me. It's so understandable that parts of me would freak out! I just comforted these parts of me and allowed myself to acknowledge the pride I felt in my new way of being. This feels like a game changer. After all, how can I expect my life to be all I want it to be if I continue to agree to do things I don't want to do?
Yes, I will still have to make peace with things in my life that need doing. But....I refuse to turn CHOICES I have in my life, into things I end up doing because some outdated voice in my head thinks they are NEEDS.