It's been an intense week. Many have been speaking on the new energy that is flooding the planet. The transition from 3 dimensional to 5 dimensional. While it feels positive and I can feel in my gut the truth of old, out-dated, and faulty structures crumbling.....my body is UNCOMFORTABLE!!! I can feel the inner shifts, like the growing pains I had as a child. I'm feeling aches and sudden heat throughout my back and such a feeling of fatigue. My sense of time is disintegrating and I just feel out of sorts!
I'm doing my best to consciously breathe as I feel this, anchoring myself in the knowing that my body will feel its way through this and that I can trust. My mind isn't always convinced:-) Lot's of old debris is coming up for me to look at again. The litany of thoughts I used to use as self flagellation back in the day. " You've gained at least 20 lbs in the past year, maybe 30". "You're getting old and you live with your mother.....what makes you think you'll ever have the kind of intimate relationship you want with a man?" "You aren't doing enough and making things happen" I have to laugh at this last one, as whenever I ask that voice in my head what the "things" are it doesn't have an answer:-0
I've been here before. This isn't my first rodeo and with this experience and I am fairly prepared for this assault. I am able now to slow down and simply listen to these voices.....these parts of myself that are scared and think they are protecting me. I don't repress them anymore, I don't run away from them anymore, and I don't add to them anymore. I listen, thank them for sharing with me, and then I talk to them. I tell them that yes, I have gained about 20/30 lbs in the past year. My body put on some weight as we were all losing our minds in one way or another the past couple of years and am giving my body some time to sort itself out. Yeah, I am getting older and I am a caretaker as well as many other things. I may or may not meet the man of my dreams but getting older and living with my mom probably won't be the reason why. So I breathe deeply, I open up my heart, and I listen. I listen in the way I wish adults had when I was really little and they had too much going on in their lives to be present.
I was on my way to the grocery store this morning and the song Stand came on by REM. What a great tune. I was taken with the words....
Stand in the place where you live
Now face north
Think about direction, wonder why you haven't before
Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west, think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before
If you are confused, check with the sun
Carry a compass to help you along
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around
So, stand in the place where you live
Now face north
Think about direction, wonder why you haven't before
Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west, think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around
If wishes were trees the trees would be falling
Listen to reason
Season is calling
Stand in the place where you live
Now face north
Think about direction, wonder why you haven't before
Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west, think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before
If wishes were trees the trees would be falling
Listen to reason
Reason is calling
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around
So stand (stand)
Now face north
Think about direction, wonder why you haven't before
Now stand (stand)
Now face west
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't
Stand in the place where you live
Now face north
Think about direction, wonder why you haven't before
Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west, think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before
Stand in the place where you are (now face north)
Stand in the place where you are (now face west)
Your feet are going to be on the ground (stand in the place where you are)
Your head is there to move you around, so stand
I think it's time for me to Stand where I am right now in my life and come to terms with it. What truly can be adjusted and enhanced or re-organized and what is simply my mind wanting to create busy work and dissatisfaction? An exercise for me to journal about! And...maybe I'll dance it out while listening to some REM!!!!